The other day I felt like warmed-over crap. So I kicked back and read ^{1 2 3} 'til the headache won, and I couldn't think anymore. Consciousness failing, I turned on the tube. That day's theme seemed to be:

1. Bad guy surreptitiously cuts brake line on victim's car
2. Victim drives car down steep, curvy, mountainous road
3. Victim suddenly realizes that car's brakes don't work
4. Victim repeatedly pumps brake pedal, pumping harder each time
5. Car, out-of-control, crashes through guardrail and plunges over side of mountain

Time Out!

Let's think about that scene.

• Did the bad guy cut brake lines to front brakes AND rear brakes? On today's cars (built since the mid-60s), the front and rear brakes are on separate, independent hydraulic systems – to prevent said scenario. Nah! Too much trouble.
  
• Did the victim not notice a problem with the brakes PRIOR TO speeding down the mountain road? Imagine getting into your car and driving to a steep, curvy, mountainous road. You have to drive from your point of origin to the steep, curvy, mountainous road before you can drive down the steep, curvy, mountainous road.
  
  Wouldn't you be likely to notice a problem with the brakes as you drive from point A to the place where you enter the steep, curvy, mountainous road? I can't speak for everyone, but...
  • when I start the car I engage the brake pedal
  • when I shift into gear, I press down on the brake (pedal)
  • before turning on to the steep, curvy, mountainous road I stop at the stop sign or traffic signal; said stopping requires, um, placing foot on brake pedal and pressing with foot
    

Even with a headache, I tend to over-think these things. Still .... couldn't the shows' writers make an effort to introduce the slightest hint of reality into the fantasy?

Or do those writers feel compelled to lazily resort to using a deus ex machina?⁴ I guess I should toss out the tube and stick to reading.

Carpe Diem - the Latin phrase that means "Seize The Day." Few people know that there are many other, lesser-known, "Carpe...." phrases. Some modest examples:

• Carpe Aurum - Go For The Gold

• Carpe Cakem - Let Them Eat Cake!
• Carpe Calypso - Seize The Day-o Day-o Daylight Come And Me Wan' Go Home...
• Carpe Canem - Seize The Dog
• Carpe Carnivore - Run!
• Carpe Carp - Seize The Fish
• Carpe Carpal - Time To Stop Typing
• Carpe Carpe Carpe - Nag, Nag, Nag
• Carpe Carpet - Pull The Rug
• Carpe Confectus - Go For Broke
• Carpe Confusious - Seize The Fortune Cookie

• Carpe Daimler - Seize The Mercedes
• Carpe Delecti - Take The Body And Run
• Carpe Dentum - Seize The Teeth
• Carpe Diarrhea - Seize The Toilet Paper
• Carp Diem - Fish Of The Day
• Carpe Diem - Seize The Day
• Carpe Diet - Seize The Rice Cake
• Carpet Diem - Time To Clean The Carpet
• Crape Diem - Bad Day
• Carpe Per Diem - Seize The Check
• Carpe Deum - God Is A Fish
• Carpayment Diem - Seize The Checkbook
• Carpe Dollar - Seize The Paycheck
• Carpe Ductum - Seize The Tape
• Carpe Duh - Seize An Idiot

• Carpe Equum Ferreo - Catch The iron Horse (Train)
  

• Carpe Flucti - Seize The Waves
• Carpe Frenum - Seize The Reins
• Carpe Frigus - Catch Cold
  

• Carpe Illuminati - Seize The Conspiracy
  

• Carpe Imperium Mundo - What Are We Going To Do Tonight, Brain?
• Carpe Informatio - Get A Clue
  

• Carpe Jugulum - Go For The Throat
  

• Carpe Lactuca Sativa - Seize 'er Salad

• Carpe Noctem - Seize The Night
  

• Carpe Papilliam - Cop A Feel
• Carpe PM - Seize The Midol

• Carpe Santa Claus - Seize A Jolly Good Fellow
• Carpe Sharp - Seize The Knife
• Carpe Sharpei - Seize The Wrinkled Dog

• Carpe Teva - Seize The Sandal

• Carpe Viagram - Fetch The Stick
• Carpe Vivam - Get A Life

There are more overweight people in America than average weight people.
So overweight people are now average.
That means you've met your New Year's resolution.
- Jay Leno

Resolving to save money? And the planet? Compact fluorescent light (CFL) bulbs promise a win-win: according to the industry and U.S. government's Energy Star program, which promotes CFL bulbs and other substitutes for energy-hogging incandescents, a CFL uses 75 percent less energy than its incandescent counterpart, lasts up to 10 times longer and prevents more than 450 pounds of greenhouse gas emissions from entering the atmosphere.

Over its lifetime, a single CFL can save the consumer $80 or more, depending on local electric rates.

But all CFL bulbs aren't equal. Some have lower mercury content than others, and some last much longer. Unfortunately, you can't tell the best of the best by their labels - or the U.S. government Energy Star logo. Some Energy Star labelled bulbs could not be legally sold in Europe due to excessive mercury content.

To read all about, visit Shopper's Guide to Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs

Or just print the guide: EWG guide to green light bulbs

Today's Tune Cootie¹

Marty Robbins, El Paso. Listen to a snippet - and get your very own tune cootie¹.

¹ From your favorite blog, January 25, 2009: Ear Worms, Tune Cooties, and Reptunes

666 is some kind of reference to a beast (Satan?) that has something to do with the Apocalypse. 666 is an official Biblical reference to The Devil. Or so most people think.... especially the hyper-evangelical types who know everything.

King Jimmy tells us "And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six."

Sounds kind of cool. Definitely poetic — as one would expect from the big book commissioned by Jim Stewart (the monarch, not the actor). The bad news is that scholars have long had doubts about the accuracy and veracity of that translation of the Bible.

And then there is 616.

Between

• translations of Greek and Aramaic and Latin
• numerological interpretations of superstitious people
  
• conspiracy theorists (actually, they are conspiracy hypotheticians)

it's hard to tell which of those numbers — if either — matters.

The controversy rages on. What make it interesting is that there are good arguments to support the idea that there is something special about either 666 or 616.... or both ...or neither.

If you care, there is an article about it. Read it before you decide which number should be in your tattoo: Number of the Beast. Of course, if it really matters to you, Google lists 11,600 articles on the subject. Happy reading!

There is an infectious agent — known as AntiVirus 2009 (and variants of that name) — that is taking over computers around the world. It constantly displays warnings about infections on the computer — and offers the opportunity for you to save your computer. All you have to do is to give a criminal your credit card number and and authorization to steal money using it.

Read all about it at BlackBox, the world's best tech tip blog:
How to Remove "AntiVirus 2009"

In the BlackBox archives:
How to Remove "AntiVirus 2009"

Earworm (n) a tune that gets stuck in your head.

From the German ohrwurm

Close relatives: repetune¹, tune cootie

The parasite won't go away and interrupts normal cerebral activities. It haunts you through the day, driving you mad! ARRRGH! Make it stop!! Someone please make it stop!!!

There are no known remedies for an earworm infection, short of replacing it with a different earworm. For instance, most victims report that replacing an ABBA reptune with a heavy dose of Moody Blues tune cooties is well worth the effort. Deadheads, while not immune to earworms, are unaffected by the symptoms that incapacitate normal homo sapiens. In fact, they seem to take a perverse pleasure in contracting extended bouts of the disease.

¹Since Plutunes have lost their status as the farthest-out Earworms, Reptunes are now the most FAR OUT!! of music that won't leave you alone. The good news is that Reptunes only return once every 164.79 years.

See it now live — and in action — in the world's best tech-tip blog:

BlockBox — Tech Tips For The Sadly Under-Informed

All of the following "liberal" ideas were vehemently opposed by conservatives at the time the ideas were proposed and debated. The conservatives insisted that each of the ideas

• violated individual rights
• were unconstitutional
• would destroy the free enterprise system
• would lead to socialism
• would lead to communism
• would lead to fascism
  

The liberal notions:

• women's suffrage
• federal deposit insurance
• Social Security
• the investor protections of the Securities Acts of 1933 and `34
• expansion of the electrical grid to virtually everywhere in the USA
• unemployment insurance
• minimum wage
• child labor laws
• the 40-hour work week
• collective bargaining rights for workers
• the Civil Rights Act
• the Voting Rights Act
• federal fair housing laws
• Medicare
• federally sponsored guaranteed student loan programs
• Head Start
• subsidized school breakfasts and lunches for poor children

By the way, when you're passing out blame for all of those awful things, don't forget to blame the labor unions. The unions pushed very hard for most of those.

Deus Ex Machina

1. (n) A plot device in which an inferior, contrived event occurs in a story, providing an improbable solution to the plot's conflict. It has the effect of letting the writer avoid the work of creating a real, plausible solution. syn. hokey, corny, artificial, and "are you sh&^$%ing me?"


2. (n) A skilled technician who can assume God-like powers over a mechanical device. Those powers include raisng the dead, healing the infirm, and improving performance to levels worthy of the dieties.

In polite circles it is generally assumed that being considered the latter is inherently superior to being exposed as the former.

There is, of course, a verbified variant:
Deus Ex Machina (v). To form an unholy alliance of the two, a bifecta in which an otherwise masterful author produces stories butchered by deus ex machina (type 1 - the scribe's device), all in the name of accumulating lucre. The shelves at Amazon.com's warehouse sag under the weight of said product. It would be better if those items were moved in order that the shelves instead so sagged in the birdcage liner section of that storage facility.

Imagine a weird, wonderful world where there are recycling bins on every corner. Where the convenience store's "Need a penny, take a penny. Have a penny, leave a penny" idea extends to urban transportation: the city's commercial district has racks of bicycles free for the riding (and leaving when through riding). Restaurants and grocery stores feature fresh, organic food, grown locally whenever possible. Trees are revered to the point of almost being objects of worship. Women prove to be capable leaders.

Pure fantasy? Berkeley (CA)? Portland (OR)? Seattle's counterculture/hippie neighborhoods?

All of the above.

It's the premise of a 70s cult book called Ecotopia. And, of course it IS reality where people want it to be so.

Warning: this is not literature. The writing is weak and clumsy. The characters are, well, wooden. The dialog reads like condensed versions of the tedious speeches in Ayn Rand novels (google it yourself).

All of that said, the story is delightful. When you consider that it was written 35 years ago, it seems almost amazing how the author, Ernest Callenbach could predict some of what seems so commonplace today.... except the parts about fresh, organic food, grown loclly whenever possible and women as capable leaders.

How many more of Callenbach's gems are becoming reality? Think of this book as a primer for the inevitable tomorrow.

So Sayeth An Expert:

In an article in a recent issue of Scientific American Mind¹ there is an article about hypnosis. One paragraph caught my eye. Actually all of the paragraphs caught my eye. However, there is one paragraph that provides a segue into this commentary.

"Other experts, such as the late University of Pennsylvania psychiatrist Martin Orne, have argued that only hypnotized participants experience 'trance logic' — the ability to maintain two mutually inconsistent ideas at the same time. For example, an hypnotist might suggest to a subject that he is deaf and then ask him, 'Can you hear me now?' He may respond 'No,' thereby manifesting trance logic."

Consider that for a moment. One is convinced of his/her deafness and answers a spoken question (which a deaf person wouldn't be able to hear). The act of answering is intended to affirm not hearing the question (because of the deafness).

Trance logic.

That, my friends is the essence of being a Republican today. Trance logic is Republican Ecstasy.

Trance logic explains why my imaginary friend can't understand why I defected. I lost my capacity for maintaining two mutually inconsistent ideas at the same time. He hasn't lost his.

Come to think of it, trance logic explains one helluva lot about the GOP.

¹ Scientific American Mind, Dec 2008/ Jan 2009, page 80.

I say it's time to go back to the good old days - back when if you weren't white or male - you knew your place. Or you learned, quickly, just exactly where your place was....

Commentary:
Today's white males who carry this longing (you know who you are) forget that part 3 of the equation was "wealthy." Without the hat trick¹, you were riff-raff, along with the other non-white and non-male. As I tell my redneck (and/or otherwise ignorant) friends: "It sure sucks to be white these days. A white guy just can't get a break."

¹ Definition of "hat trick"

Words fail me. Pictures aren't much better.
-- R. Crumb

Crumb's comics never fail to deliver.
-- me

"Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night."
-- Isaac Asimov

"To understand the Universe, a person has to be clear on

• the role of the Scientific Method in learning, understanding, and explaining reality
  
• the role of Hypothesis in the Scientific Method
• the role of Theory in the Scientific Method

"People who don't understand science should not show their ignorance by fabricating such buffoonery as Creation Science"
-- yer fave-rit blogger

Labels: Creation Science, Hypothesis, Scientific Method, Theory

THE gadget for the serious snowball hurler who lacks the energy and /or talent to make and throw a snowball. The Launcher, sold by Hammacher Schlemmer, costs $29.95 (US). Not only does it do your dirty work in a snowball fight, it has a 3-shot magazine.

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children:

1. the Theory of Sexual reproduction
2. the Theory of The Stork.
   

Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favor of the theory of the stork.

If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.
- Wisdom from the Institute for Stork Research and Science

Myth: Poinsettias Are Deadly Toxic
In an analysis of 849,575 plant exposures reported to the American Association of Poison Control Centers, none of the 22,793 cases involving poinsettia resulted in considerable poisoning. No one died from exposure to or ingestion of poinsettia, and most (96%) did not even require medical treatment. In 92 of the cases, children ingested substantial quantities of poinsettias, but none needed medical treatment. Another study, looking at poinsettia ingestion by rats, could not find a toxic amount of poinsettia, even at amounts that would be the equivalent of 500-600 poinsettia leaves or nearly a kilogram of sap.

Cite the above as: BMJ (British Medical Journal) 2008;337:a2769
http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/337/dec17_2/a2769

It just seemed like a good idea at a time.

Video demonstrations for the next time you're going to cook - or eat, or both - a turkey.

Joy Of Cooking: Turkey Carving
How To Cook Turkey
Turkey Carving 101
How To Carve A Turkey In Your Kitchen
Carving and Serving a Turkey
How To Carve a Turkey
How To Carve A Turkey At Your Table
Turkey Carving By Cooking.Com

Labels: carving, turkey

You Can Cure A Hangover
No scientific evidence supports any cure or effective prevention for alcohol hangovers. A systematic review of randomized trials evaluating medical interventions for preventing or treating hangovers found no effective interventions in either traditional or complementary medicine. While a few small studies using unvalidated symptom scores showed minor improvements, the conclusion of the exhaustive review was that all supposed cures all failed to effectively "cure hangovers." While more recent studies in rats show some potential for new products to alter mechanisms associated with hangovers, humans also face risks when using certain "hangover cures."

Cite the above as: BMJ (British Medical Journal) 2008;337:a2769
http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/337/dec17_2/a2769

A hangover is caused by excess alcohol consumption. Thus, the most effective way to avoid a hangover is to consume alcohol only in moderation or not at all. My empirical (and non-scientific) research supports that. No booze, no hangover. It was an excellent reason to stop drinking. Some people have to "hit bottom" before they stop drinking. My bottom was the bottom of the porcelain throne.

Labels: hangover, myth

Nocturnal Feasting Makes You Fat
To avoid unwanted weight gain is to avoid eating at night, right? Wrong, unless the nighttime meal is in addition to already adequate caloric intake during the rest of waking hours. Studies found no link at all between eating at night and weight gain. To avoid gaining weight, calorie intake should be evenly distributed over the day. In other words, when you eat three - or four or five, however many - regular meals, you are not as likely to overeat at any one particular meal or time. While you're at it, remember to burn off as many calories as you take in.

Cite the above as: BMJ (British Medical Journal) 2008;337:a2769
http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/337/dec17_2/a2769

Myth: Most Body Heat Loss Is Through The Head And Neck
The US Army Field manual for survival recommends covering your head in cold weather because "40 to 45 percent of body heat" is lost through the head. If this were true, humans would be just as cold if they went without trousers and/or shirts as if they went without a hat. A recent study confirms that there is nothing special about the head and heat loss. Any uncovered part of the body loses heat and will reduce the core body temperature proportionally. So, if it is cold outside, you should protect your body - and head - and neck.

Cite the above as: BMJ (British Medical Journal) 2008;337:a2769
http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/337/dec17_2/a2769

There is a new Tech Tip posted on my tech-oriented log, BlackBox.

The tip tells you how to improve your technical support requests.

Myth: Poinsettias Are Deadly Toxic
In an analysis of 849,575 plant exposures reported to the American Association of Poison Control Centers, none of the 22,793 cases involving poinsettia resulted in considerable poisoning. No one died from exposure to or ingestion of poinsettia, and most (96%) did not even require medical treatment. In 92 of the cases, children ingested substantial quantities of poinsettias, but none needed medical treatment. Another study, looking at poinsettia ingestion by rats, could not find a toxic amount of poinsettia, even at amounts that would be the equivalent of 500-600 poinsettia leaves or nearly a kilogram of sap.

Cite the above as: BMJ (British Medical Journal) 2008;337:a2769
http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/337/dec17_2/a2769

For the past 2 decades, Chuck Shepherd has been publishing a syndicated column (in newspapers all around you). He reports on News Of The Weird. Here's an example from the 80s:

"In 1983, convicted South Carolina murderer Michael Godwin, then 22, succeeded in getting an appeals court to reduce his death-by-electric-chair sentence to one of life in prison at the Central Correctional Institution in Columbia, S.C. Six years later, in March 1989, while sitting naked on a metal toilet and attempting to fix earphones that were connected to a television set, Godwin bit into a wire and was electrocuted."
http://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/

Normally, he includes the source data. I've often checked his citations, and they are always correct. If Chuck Shepherd prints it, it's true.

You can get his weekly newsletter: http://www.newsoftheweird.com

Myth: Suicides Increase Over The Holidays

There is no good scientific evidence to suggest a holiday peak in suicides.

• In a study of United States suicides over a 35 year period, there was no increase before, during, or after holidays.
  
• Data from Ireland on suicide in 1990-8 also failed to connect suicides with the holidays.

Around the world, suicides peak in warmer months and are actually lowest in the winter.

• In Finland, suicides peak in autumn and are lowest in the winter.
• In a 30 year study of suicides in Hungary, researchers again found the highest rates of suicides in the summer and the lowest in the winter.
  
• Studies of suicide rates from India also show peaks in April and May.
  
• Studies from the US reflect this pattern, with lower rates in November and December than in typically warmer months.

BMJ (British Medical Journal) 2008;337:a2769

Keep in mind that suicide is almost always connected to Depression (real, clinical, Depression, not the 'country-song-cry-in-your-beer' or 'Someone bought the dress before I got there' or 'my boyfriend just dumped me' "depression."

Depression is a physical disease — like cancer or diabetes — whose symptoms manifest, in part, in the form of mood disorders. Most mental illnesses are physical diseases that can be treated — as can most physical diseases — with medication and other therapies.

There you go.... 3 myths busted for the price of one.

Myth: Sugar Causes Hyperactivity In Children
At least 12 double blind randomized controlled trials have examined how children react to diets containing different levels of sugar.2 None of these studies, not even studies looking specifically at children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, could detect any differences in behavior between the children who had sugar and those who did not. The differences in the children’s behavior were all in the parents’ minds.

Cite the above as: BMJ (British Medical Journal) 2008;337:a2769
http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/337/dec17_2/a2769

Myth:
Republicans are "strong" on national defense.
Democrats are "weak" on national defense.

You can't reach that conclusion from peace-time defense spending. Check out this chart (PDF, 30 KB).

• President Carter's defense spending was up nearly 50% over the Ford years.
• In his first 2 years, the increases in defense spending under Reagan matched the increases under Carter. Then the rate of growth in defense spending slowed sharply. This is because of the "Peace Dividend" hypothesis that in peace time it's OK to cut (or slow the growth of) military spending. Of course, that's only true when Republicans make those spending cuts.
• George H.W. Bush extended that thinking into actual cuts in defense spending - except for the Gulf War year, where the military budget increased.
• President Clinton continued the spending cuts trend in his first term in office. Note:
  • he did so with the encouragement of the new Republican majority in Congress
  • when Clinton (a Democrat) continued the trend started by the Republican God (Reagan) the Republicans' "Peace Dividend" became known as "gutting the military"
• For 2 years into his 2nd term, Clinton continued the "Peace Dividend" spending policies; in his final 2 years, military spending showed the largest annual increase since WWII (up 43.5% in one of those years).
• In George W. Bush's first year the defense budget was cut 22.6%. That one year's cut was nearly double the total of ALL of the cuts in Bill Clinton's 8 years. If there were ever a "gutting the military" - that was it.
  

Doing the math:

1. Both parties participated in increasing and decreasing military spending, occasionally boasting of the "Peace Dividend" resulting from spending cuts.
   
   • The Republicans implemented and pursued the concept of cutting military budgets and reaping the benefits on the form of the "Peace Dividend."
     
   • A Democrat - President Clinton - continued that trend (although Republicans derided their idea as "gutting the military"). Clinton also increased military spendingnear the end of his term.
   • George W. Bush disemboweled the defense budget. That action became known as "fiscal responsibility" or "incredibly stupid" - depending on who is opining.
2. Using a fiscal policy to measure a committment to national defense shows a draw.

Perhaps performance is a better measure?

• Who was in charge during World Wars I & II? Both were victories, both run by Democratic presidents. Advantage: Democrats.
• Korea? Eisenhower ran on a platform of getting out of that war. He delivered a stalemate. Non-advantage: GOP.
• Viet Nam? The GOP started it, but didn't really commit to the effort. Both sides fumbled for a while. Nixon ran, in 1968, on a campaign promise to use his "secret plan" to "win with honor." In 1972 he ran the same scam on Americans. End result - the USA "CUT-AND-RAN." Dishonorable mention: Democrats. Double down disadvantage: GOP.
• Middle East (Beirut, 1983)? CUT-AND-RUN. Another disadvantage for the GOP.
• Gulf War? With a true international coalition, and with funding by Kuwait (and some other oil-rich Arab states), the good guys won - but left the aggressor in power. Advantage: GOP, unless you count leaving Saddam as the head of the defeated aggressor.
• Somalia? The UN bailed out, leaving us a choice: leave with them, or stay to tilt at windwills that were armed with RPGs and AK-47s. Sounds like a stalemate: no win, no loss... not counting American lives.
• Balkans? A true "Mission Accomplished" story. Genocide crushed. War criminals captured and brought to justice. The cost in American lives, 2: one in a non-combat vehicular accident, one suicide. Total. Period. Oh - and they love us in that part of the world (even in the country most vanquished - Serbia). Huge advantage: Democrats.
  
• Afghanistan? Leaders of Al-Queda and Taliban still alive, still free, still mocking us. Afghanistan has reasserted its place as heroin supplier to the world. Our troop losses are increasing. The locals are ticked off because we placed in power a puppet government that is cruel to its citizens and is completely ineffective outside the capitol city. Purple thumbs? Hardly....
• Iraq? In time there will be shelf upon shelf of books describing the total, complete, utter failure of the mission. We got Saddam and a few other bad guys. Our cost
  
  • in lives lost
  • soldiers maimed
  • American families disrupted
    
  • long-term fiscal calamity
  • esteem in the eyes of the people whom we allegedly helped
  • strength of our military
    
  • world leadership
Our only hope is that we learned something from the fiasco.Triple-double disadvantage to the umpteenth power: GOP

When it comes to national defense there are 3 big lessons from the 20th/21st centuries:

1. Pick your battles carefully.
2. If real peace with real honor and a real good outcome matter, have the Democrats in charge. Democrats tend go to war with intention to win, always with the skill to do it.... and with the leadership to rally us 'round the flag. What's more, they learn from their successes AND their mistakes.
   
3. Whatever you do, don't go to war when led by Republicans. Their track record is terrible.
   

There is a new Tech Tip posted on my tech-oriented log, BlackBox.

The tip links you to instructions on how to set up your computer to run Windows AND Linux.

This produces the best turkey ever: moist, tender meat with a delightful smoky flavor. The skin will be crunchy, and will have a pronounced smoky flavor. The secret is to cook at high heat, cooking the the skin fast - thereby sealing in the moisture. Our turkeys usually cook in about 2 hours (much less time than oven-roasting).

Ingredients and Materials:

• A charcoal grill (20 to 22 in. wide) with a domed lid.
• A meat thermometer.
• 5 pounds of briquets. To start the fire, it is OK to use quick-start briquets (briquets that have been pre-impregnated with lighter fluid). However, as the turkey cooks you will add more briquets. If you add pre-impregnated briquets, the odor of the lighter fluid may contaminate the flavor of the turkey. Have standard (non-qucik-start) briquets available.
• Wood chips - hardwood chips only! Sporting goods stores usually have chips that will impart the best smoke flavor. I prefer Alder, but Hickory is good. Many people like to use fruitwood chips such as Apple or Cherry.
• For the ultimate in flavor, have 1/2 pound to 1 pound of fresh Rosemary or 1-2 ounces of dried Rosemary. I grow a rosemary bush whose primary purpose is to provide Rosemary for the charcoal and gas grills.
• A turkey. For generous servings, allow 1/2 to 3/4 pound uncooked turkey per person, more if you want leftovers. Tom? Hen? Damphyno. I don't notice any difference.
  

For the turkey's cavity:

• Whole, peeled onion, cut into chunks.
• 1-3 peeled garlic cloves.
• 3-5 celery stalks.
• Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme.... and Marjoram. Those are best fresh, but dried is fine.
• Note: the drippings might contain soot. Be prepared to use alternative ingredients for making gravy. Making gravy is beyond the scope of this article.

Preparing the Fire:

• On the firegrate, mound and ignite 40-50 charcoal briquettes.
• When coals are spotted with gray ash (in about 20 minutes), push equal portions of briquettes to opposite sides of firegrate.
• Place a metal drip pan between coals. An inexpensive disposable aluminum pan is fine.
• To each mound of coals, add 5 non-quick-start briquettes before adding the uncooked turkey to the grill at the beginning and every 30 minutes while cooking. Set grill 4 to 6 inches above coals. Set turkey, breast side up, on grill over drip pan.

Prepare the bird.

• Thaw turkey, if frozen, at least 72 hours in refrigerator.
• If stuffing the bird, do so just before cooking. Note: to prevent food poisoning, it is best to bake stuffing in baking dishes.
• Remove and discard the leg truss from the turkey.
• Pull off and discard lumps of fat.
• Remove giblets and neck. Reserve giblets, neck, and drippings for gravy. Cook these separately by boiling.
• Rinse the bird inside and out; pat dry with towels.
• Rub turkey skin with cooking oil.
  

Cook:

• Cook the turkey until the meat thermometer registers 160 degrees. To test the temperature, insert a meat thermometer straight down through thickest part of breast to bone, then back the thermometer out approximately 1/8".
• During the cooking process, add to each mound of coals, add 5 briquettes every 30 minutes.
• During the cooking process, place wood chips and rosemary on the grill - or on the coals - every 30 minutes.

Serve:

• Remove the turkey from the grill.
• Allow it to cool for 20 minutes prior to carving. The slicing will work better when the bird has cooled slightly.
• Lighten up. Let people grab little bits of meat before you serve.

A bit of history:
This cooking method is not unique to me. I did, however, independently invent the technique in an emergency. Over the decades I - and friends and loved ones - have refined the process. The original emergency occurred on a stormy Thanksgiving Day. As happens so often in the Great Northwet, the storm knocked out the electrical grid, thus preventing us from cooking the turkey. A Weber^® grill and some charcoal saved the day.

Somehow those wicked Northwet storms seem to know which days are festive holidays that warrant feasting. Since that storm many years ago, well, who cares?

Labels: charcoal, turkey