We're not talking about dirty money in a legal or philosophical sense - no filthy lucre here. We're talking hygiene. One strain of H1N1—very similar to the one causing swine flu—can live on paper money for up to 3 days.

Ew-w-w-w! Gross!

Here's what an expert has to say about the health dangers (physical health, not mental health) from money. Marvin M. Lipman, MD, chief medical adviser and medical editor for Consumer Reports. He's the doctor who, when asked by Barbara Walters how he treats the common cold, responded "With utter contempt."

The good doctor confirmed that money is dirty and could be a vector for many communicable diseases - including swine flu. Those of you who are really concerned about your duties as an American Patriot can send me all of that vile stuff; as a public service I will disinfect the currency before putting it back into circulation.

What could be worse than money as a disease transmission medium? According to me, based on Dr. Lipman's findings:

1. Doctors’ neck ties. If you must go to a place as unhealthy as a doctor's office or a hospital, carry scissors with you. 'Nuff said?
   
   
2. The office candy bowl. All those hands rummaging around, looking for the best treat...
   
   
3. Library books. [Shudder] Consider the hands that have touched those books. The fingers licked to enable page turning. The books set on the checkout counter just before you got there. The good news is that this problem is declining as some Americans (of the right-wing kind, if you get my drift...) gleefully retreat into their ignorance.
   
   
4. Bathroom door handles. Here's a good argument for paper towels: use a paper towel to turn the door knob as you exit. You did was your hands, right? If you didn't wash your hands, touching the door knob won't impact you one way or the other.
   
   
5. Telephone receivers of the public kind. Hands on the handset and keypad (or dial) plus germy breath onto the mouthpiece.
   
   
6. Kids. Children are walking Hot Zones. Parents tend to become immune to their children’s bugs through daily exposure. Not so for grandparents who visit Epidemic Central only occasionally. Teachers, day care providers, and school bus drivers are between those two groups, in terms of risk.
   
   
7. Crowded indoor public places: subway stations, movies, theater, concerts, town hall meetings to protest making health care more widely available - any such indoor gatherings of sweaty, touchy-feely, coughing humanity. Do you remember when the worst thing you could get in a crowd was a contact high (and maybe some anonymous sex)?
   
   
8. [Bonus] Public Transportation. Dr. Lipman missed this one: planes, trains, buses. Who knows what went on in that taxi (or limo) before you got in. And then there's the advice from comedian Wanda Sykes, who warns of the dangers of a woman going into the swimming pool on an all-men's cruise.
   

Based on a post at Consumers Reports.